Ragtag Christmas Crew - (July 2017)

On the day of the wedding, Annie stands on her bedroom balcony with a joint in one hand and a cup of coffee in the other watching the colors of the sky change above dark houses on the opposite side of the street. She feels the heat of the July morning begin to awaken the day and thinks of the winter wedding she’d always dreamed of. As the sun begins to rise above her neighbor’s rooftop she closes her eyes, with an inhale on the joint, and imagines cold air prickling her skin and the lightness of the frozen crystals cascading across her eye lashes, like her first night Cambridge. The only part of her dream wedding she’d insisted upon is that the ceremony end when the stars are sparkling in the night sky.

Annie sits on the chair she’d brought out for this moment and taps the ash of her joint on the edge of the crystal bowl she’d placed on a square folding-table in the center of the balcony. She sits with her joint and imagines herself a bride in a snowstorm – the beauty of the falling snow disguising her tears – on this day of mixed emotions.

“What are you doing out here so early?” Dottie’s words interrupt Annie’s moment of self-pity and she turns away from the rising sun to answer her.

“I got a text from Maeve around four this morning, said her flight was delayed. I was so irritated, and annoyed, I couldn’t fall back to sleep. She can’t miss my wedding.”

“It was a last minute change of plans. I’m sure she’ll be here. Can I join you?”

Annie motions with her right hand as she unfolds the second chair she’d brought out with her. Dottie sits on the unsteady chair with a tight smile on her face as she removes the pink leather pouch from the pocket of her silky bathrobe and slides a cigarette from it. “I never thought to have my first ciggy out here, it’s nice.” She says with her teeth clenched as she lights the tip and takes a long inhale.

They sit together watching the world outside awaken, each breathing and exhaling and getting ready for the big day.

“Christmas in July, it’s a good theme,” Dottie says as she taps out the end of her cigarette in the crystal bowl. “This is pretty.”

“Mama Sarfati sent it as a wedding gift.”

“She does have very good taste.” Dottie answers keeping her eyes on the shimmering glass adorning the folding table. “I’m happy we pulled it off, sorry we couldn’t wait until winter.”

“All that matters is Dad is happy.”

“And alive.”

“Mmm,” Annie sighs quietly before turning her attention toward the

light beginning to overshadow the darkness on the other side of the street. She listens to the  songs of the birds and feels the joy in quietly breathing in the warm morning air and watching the sun’s full rays rise above Lorenzo’s house, blinding them momentarily with its intensity.

“Thank you, Mom.”

“Thank me for what?” Dottie replies after exhaling a stream of white smoke.

“For everything. For taking me back. For letting me stay. For helping plan this wedding. For making my wedding dress!”

“All I’ve seen you wear since you got here are sweatshirt and yoga pants. I was worried you would get married in that if I didn’t step in.” Dottie laughs and Annie joins her and reaches across the small folding table to enfold Dottie’s hand in hers.      

“This is what happiness feels like.” Dottie says “This moment, the first cigarette of the day, sitting with you, knowing today will have magic. I’m so grateful to Jesus and Mary for another day.” She smiles before taking a last long drag of her diminishing cigarette.

“JP says happiness is just us quietly being us, or something like that. It sounds more romantic in French.” Annie replies watching the tips of Dottie’s red fingernails untangle from her own. “And that encounters with the infinite through emotions is love.”

“He is romantic,” she smiles and feels joy for her girl. “I should go, it’s time to get ready and make sure that dress is perfect.”

Dottie stands, grabs the pink leather pouch from the top of the table and slides it gently into her pink silk pocket. As she steps through the open glass doors she turns with tears in her eyes and smiles at Annie. “You’re going to be such a beautiful bride,” she says before turning her attention away from her girl and back to caring for Charlie.

*******

 “I know how to sit with the dying,” Dottie says.

The room is dark to keep the heat of the day out, and the bluish glow of the television is gratefully replaced by a colorful assortment of rotating images of their life together, created by Mike hoping that Charlie could be reminded of the happiness and love in his life.

“We’re Irish, and the Irish love the darkness. Can’t have light without the darkness.” Annie smiles.

“And as Jesus teaches, we must seek joy because sorrow allows finds us.” Dottie crosses her body with her right hand and nods toward Charlie.  “I think he looks handsome when he’s at peace, resting. The brownies helped him sleep, and I think that’s improving his mood.” Dottie’s eyes stay focused on Charlie’s resting face. “Just a few years ago I would hound him about his weight, now look at him. I can see his bones. I’m begging him to eat more. I’d hoped for at least five more years together.”

Dottie stops her words in hopes of controlling the panic rising in her chest, the one she’d been fighting for too many months. Annie watches her breathe with both hands on her chest, rocking forward in her chair.  “He may look shrunk down, but this moment, right here with you and with him, this is all there is. We’re together and without him….” She shakes her head and sits back in the chair, wiping the tears from her face. “I’m glad we didn’t waste any of it, that we took the chance and came here. It’s so much clearer to me right now, I can see who we are in this place that we built. We’re lucky we found him.”

Annie reaches across the narrow hospital bed as Dottie leans forward and their hands connect on Charlie’s stomach. They hold on tight and watch each other. Annie feels Dottie’s sadness in her chest, her own breathing shallow and allows herself to feel the heat rising from the perimeters of her eyes. 

 “Sometimes we don’t see what we need because we aren’t looking for the right thing, but Charlie found us.”

“God is everything and everywhere.” Dottie reminds Annie as she pulls her hands away and crosses her body with her right hand  again and kisses the cross on the chain hanging around her neck. “Thank you Jesus for your many blessings.”

“This isn’t about God or Jesus!” Annie exclaims allowing herself to let out an exasperated gasp.

Dottie sits up straight in her chair feeling her own heart pounding, shocked by the force of her words on Annie when all she had wanted was to share what was important to her and she had thought to Annie too. But she was wrong, and feels it in her pounding chest and stinging eyes.

Annie stays silent for a moment and without taking her eyes from Dottie, pulls a joint from her shirt pocket just as Dottie tosses her pink lighter across the narrow bed. She places it in her mouth and with a flick of the lighter, takes a deliberate inhalation until she feels herself no longer upset by Dottie’s words before passing the lit joint to Dottie.

Dottie holds it for a moment with the tips of her red nails and gingerly places her mouth on the cardboard filter and breathes in. With the exhale of smoke across Charlie’s bed she smiles. “That’s not so bad.” Then passes it back to Annie.

 “I’m sorry,” Annie says as she snuffs the tip of the joint on the edge of Dottie’s lighter.

   “Sorry for what?”

“I’m sorry that I ran away with JP and told everyone we were married. I shouldn’t have run away with JP. And I definitely shouldn’t have pretended to be married for twenty years. And mostly I’m very, very sorry that I didn’t tell you about everything, you know. I promise, no more secrets.”

Dottie nods but can’t find the words to describe the hope rising her chest, so she sits back and allows herself to feel a good feeling.

The vibration of the phone on the nightstand breaks their moment of quietly being together.  “It’s Maeve, her plane is landing at three!” Annie sings out with her head tilted toward the small screen in her hand. “I’ll let Mike know what time to pick her up.” Annie stands from her chair and leans in to kiss Charlie’s head just as the bells of St. Catherine ring out twelve melodic-chimes.

*******

Annie walks down the front staircase, the lace hem of her dress brushes the tops of her white-leather sneakers as she takes each step down the wooden staircase. Through the open front door she can see Mike kneeling in front of Charlie’s wheelchair and waving his arms at Maeve in a gesture Annie interprets as exasperation. She stands for a moment, five steps above the landing, straightens her back and takes a deep breath before descending down and out into the warm summer evening.

“I feel like I’m dressed for my own funeral,” she hears Charlie lament as she walks out the front door to where they are waiting in the yard.  “These shoes are too tight, I want to wear my slippers.”

“Everything can’t always be about you, this is Annie’s wedding and you’re walking her down the aisle, don’t you think you should be wearing shoes?”

“Everything is about me,” Charlie says without irony. “Why waste my breath?” Charlie says rolling his eyes. “Let’s go.”

“Don’t leave without me,” Annie laughs as she passes Mike and kisses Charlie on the top of his head. “You can wear whatever you want. I can take it from here.” She says to Mike as he stands and turns toward Maeve waiting on the sidewalk.

“Go get his slippers, I’ll wait, I’ve been waiting.” She smiles and Annie sees her sister’s fair skin begin to glow like her auburn hair.

“She still likes him,” Charlie mutters, a small smile lifting the edges of his mouth.

Mike places the slippers on Charlies’s lap without trying to help him this time. “Just in case you want them, but leave your shoes on for now,” he pleads before turning his back and walking toward Maeve.

Annie sees it then, the slow and electric connection between her sister and Mike, and can almost feel it as her own emotion. As Maeve and Mike begin their walk to the church, one of her spiky black heels is caught in the edge of the crooked brick sidewalk. Like a superhero, Mike is at her side, with her body held tight against his own, safe in his arms.

“Glad you didn’t turn out to be a psychotic-serial-killing monster,” Maeve laughs as she stays still in his arms.  “I thought you would forget me.”

“You’ve made a mark on my soul, I could never forget you.”

As they move together, away from Annie and Charlie down the crooked- brick sidewalk on Pemberton Street toward the glowing sunset in the distant horizon, Charlie nods to himself knowing what he sees and happy to feel something good is happening for his little girl.

“Ready, let’s take the long way.” Charlie announces as Annie takes her place behind the handles of his wheelchair, her pink fingernails bold against the gray rubber grips. “I don’t like the brick sidewalks on Pemberton. The new cement sidewalks are a modern convenience I like. Mostly because this thing doesn’t have great shock absorbers.”

Annie laughs as they begin the walk toward her marriage. They turn right on the sidewalk and glimpse at Nona’s dark house, the only light a small fluorescent bulb illuminating the side door. “Do you think Lorenzo will sell it?” Annie wonders out loud just at the  bells of St. Catherine begin chiming the hour of eight o’clock. “We need to hurry, we’re already late!”

A small smile parts Charlie’s lips, but before either one of them makes a sound the final chime ends and the bells begin again.

“What?”

“Shhh, listen,” Charlie answers.

“Is that, Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas?” Annie exclaims as the song rings out from St. Catherine’s bell tower into their neighborhood. 

“It was all Dottie. She got Father Lorenzo to convince the church executive board to approve the song.”

 Annie is quiet as they make their way through the neighborhood and she understands what else Dottie has done for her.  “Did Mom ask every neighbor from here to the church to put up lights.”

“Of course! And most everyone wanted to help, even the new people who didn’t know us.”

“Even June and Gregory?” Annie asks as they pass the burnt orange house, their front yard long ago dubbed the garden of weeden.

“No, they never took theirs down from Christmas!”

Annie feels joy in heart watching the yards of her neighborhood light up with colored bulbs and white twinkle lights, as dusk descends she can see the bright disc of the sun setting just next to the bell tower, the sky darkening with the golden pastels replaced with sherbet light extending along the horizon.

“How did you keep this a secret?”

“Your mom did it all, she just told me about it all this morning.”

They continue toward the tall bell tower, Annie feeling the love of the community around her and grateful she’d been given a second chance. She stops her steps a block before their destination.

“Everything ok?” Charlie asks. “Cold feet?” He chuckles but Annie stays silent. “Hey, kiddo. What’s up?”

 “I’m not sure I deserve all this, after abandoning you. Not telling you the truth. Dad, was I a disappointment?”

“What? Are you kidding?” He turns his head to look at her. “You’re the real deal, baby. You inspired me to be better. How could you think something like that?”

She shrugs, feeling an emotion rising in her chest she pushes down to save her perfectly applied mascara.

“Truth is, Dottie and you girls saved me. Some say she was gold digging, maybe. I know Dottie wanted out and something better for you. And honestly, I needed a little help. The charm of bachelorhood had definitely worn itself thin by the time I met Dottie and you,” Charlie says.

Without waiting for Annie to confirm his words, Charlie continues as if in a trance remembering things he thought were forgotten. “Did you know that Dottie’s papa, Papa Nate, he tried to forbid the move. Truth is, he was right. We weren’t married or even engaged, but Dottie was full of hubris and exasperated everyone but me.” He laughs remembering the truth of their past. “Truth is, after knowing you and Dottie were in this world it didn’t feel good to be alone.” He lifts his head to see Annie standing right in front of him, a smile on her face.

“Don’t gloat!”

“I’m not gloating, I’m happy that you needed us.”

“I did try to forget her and you, but that was impossible. Your mom is my north star. That’s something you understand.”

“Yes,” Annie answers as she takes her place behind the wheelchair, holding the gray grips firmly as she pushes Charlie forward.

Annie walks briskly down the street watching the peach and pink clouds  hover above the shadowed rooftops, the blues of the night darkening as the sun fades behind the painted shingles and slanted roof tops. As they approach Massachusetts Avenue she can see the white tent covering the small parking lot next to the bakery, and laughs when she sees the inflated snow couple dwarfing Colette standing tall in a yellow dress with a faux fur collar that Dottie insisted made it look more like a winter dress. Annie sees she is  holding a wicker basket and is ready for her job.

I chose with my heart and those are never the wrong decisions, she thinks to herself as she pushes Charlie toward their family and friends. 

*****

As Annie and Charlie wait for the word walk to appear on the neon sign on the opposite side of Massachusetts Avenue, Colette waves at them - with the wicker basket still attached to her arm- and Mike rushes to rescue the falling petals before they hit the ground. When the word appears on the small square box, Charlie reaches back and touches Annie’s hand and says, “Let’s boogy!”

The band begins to play as they step into the busy avenue, all traffic stopped for a bride and her father.

Annie feels like she’s floating as she takes a step onto the sidewalk and walks away from the bells of St. Catherine and towards the world Dottie created in the bakery parking lot. Beneath the white tent, stretched the length and width of the black top, are eight rows of folding white chairs, a friend or neighbor seated in each and every one. At the far end of the white silk fabric, laid in the aisle between the chairs, is Khadijah with the band behind her, all dressed in a white silk tops and black trousers.

JP steps into Annie’s view and her heart tightens with an emotion rising in her chest that feels like she’s being pulled toward him. She breathes in deep and turns away from the music.

 “You look beautiful my Colette,” Annie sighs as she bends down to hug her girl.  “Are you ready?”

  “Yes, I was getting so anxious. You look beautiful too, Annie. I’m ready.”

Annie hugs Colette and stands up just as the band behind Khadijah begins to play Here Comes The Bride and Colette starts her walk dropping pink and white petals with each step she takes toward her mom and dad.

“I want to walk,” Charlie says as Colette disappears into the white tent. Annie nods at Mike who stands in front of the chair and lifts him forward. Charlie steadies himself with Maeve holding his left arm and Annie holding onto his right, as Mike runs behind the threesome ready to roll the chair close behind them. 

As they enter the tent, all guests having risen and turned in their direction, they pass the rows of white chairs and nod and smile to everyone they see, and stop at the end of the silk fabric path strewn with  rose petals, before a small structure built of four wooden poles with a tapestry canopy. JP steps forward to help hold Charlie tall as Annie kisses his cheek, before taking a step away from being Charlie’s scaffolding.

“Thank you,” Charlie whispers into JP’s ear. “And I mean it.” With clenched fists Charlie allows JP to hug him, with brevity but much love, before Mike helps him back into the wheelchair and rolls Charlie next to Dottie sitting, dabbing her eyes, in the front row.

 Annie turns toward JP, her heart beating loud in her ears, but when her eyes lock on his she is centered, and does not turn when she hears Khadijah speak.

“Welcome friends and family of the beloved, we are so grateful for this magical night. Tonight we are bringing together diverse communities with different traditions but the most common value - love. We stand beneath this wedding canopy adorned with flowers and twinkly lights  - a chuppah from the groom’s family tradition. And Father Lorenzo stands with us as well to offer his blessing before Annie and JP exchange their vows.”

Father Lorenzo steps forward from his place slightly behind Khadijah, and takes his place next to her. “I’d like to first offer a poem of love to our friends Annie and Jean-Pierre, and then a short blessing. The poem is entitled Coming Home by Mary Oliver.”   He continues to recite the poem and as he does Annie looks at Lorenzo and feels his love, before turning herself back to JP.

Father Lorenzo nods and takes a moment before continuing with his work. “O God, by whom woman is joined to man and the companionship they had in the beginning is endowed with the one blessing not forfeited by original sin nor washed away by the flood. Look now with favor on these your servants, joined together in Marriage, who ask to be strengthened by your blessing.”

 “Amen,” choruses out as Lorenzo walks away from the couple and takes his seat.

 “Thank you Father,” Khadijah begins. “So here we are, a preacher’s daughter and a Catholic priest marrying this electrifying couple under a Jewish chuppah,” she laughs.

“But I do not stand  here today because I am a preacher’s daughter, or as an agent of any institution,” she continues, opening her arms wide allowing the shawl held around her shoulders to spread out like a butterfly revealing her wings. “I am here today as a Ganja Clergy woman with the powers vested in me by the great Commonwealth of Massachusetts to join Annie McGrath and Jean-Pierre Sarfati in holy matrimony.” She smiles as she lifts her arms, palms toward the air, and closes her eyes. “I know things now, we are all one. I’ve learned to see through all the veils of separation. We are here today to tear down the veils.” She opens her eyes and smiles, joy emanating like light around her.

 Khadijah lowers her arms and retrieves a joint, rolled in paper the color of pink bubble gum, and raises it with her right hand above her crown of black hair. “Whoever holds the joint speaks, and when the other person hears what it said, the joint is passed.” 

Annie and JP nod in agreement.

JP removes his right hand from hers and reaches out to Khadijah. He takes it and then slips the pink joint behind his right ear and, before he speaks, takes back hold of Annie’s hands.

“Where there are no stars in the sky, you’ve been my guiding light. I haven’t always known where I am going, but with you I have always felt not just safe, but complete. When I was eighteen it felt like my purpose was to make music, but you were the only one who really believed that I could. When I was just eighteen I couldn’t imagine my life without you, and for some reason you felt the same way. So we pledged our vows to each other on the beach almost exactly twenty-years ago tonight, and despite not having any official recognition of our commitment to each other, we still exist.” He takes in a deep breath but allows the joint to stay behind his ear, so Annie stands silent and listens.

“So much has changed, but so many of the same people are here with us. On the beach Maeve was our flower girl. And of course Father Lorenzo wasn’t ordained yet, but he stood before us at the edge of the world on our beach in Oak Bluffs and witnessed our commitment  to each other. And tonight, tonight, our friend Khadijah will marry us.” They both turn to Khadijah who stands with her hands folded tight, her eyes brimming with her emotions.

“Annie, I’ve loved you since the first moment I saw you at the subway station in Cambridge. And that summer, our summer, in Oak Bluffs on the Vineyard, and then our journey to Nashville and LA and in every shitty hotel and on every tour bus on this incredible, and truly magical, journey with you all around the world. Every night for twenty-years, you have been my home.”

Annie holds his hands not wanting the miss a moment yet surprised by the power of her joy. He gently removes his hand from hers to retrieve the pink joint from its place by his ear, then he carefully slides it into the bun on her head. Then Annie speaks her own words to him.

When Khadijah says, “We are here to begin a positive reimagination of our future – today a new story begins,” Annie is having trouble focusing on Khadijah’s words because of the way her body is tingling she knows this is just the beginning of a future she could not have imagined just ten months ago.

“I am here wishing Annie and JP joy in their life,” Khadijah sings out.  “Because joy is where we all begin and joy is deeper and more enduring than happiness. As Mother Theresa has said – a joyful heart is the inevitable result of a heart burning with love. So on this day I bless Annie and JP with hearts burning of love for the joy they have found together. With the powers vested in me, I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride.”

As they kiss and the cheering begins, Khadijah places the pink joint between her ruby red lips and lights it with a flick of the lighter. She exhales into the warm summer air as Annie and JP pull from their kiss, and before they turn to walk down the rose covered aisle, she hands the lit joint to Annie.

  Dottie stands with Charlie on the base of the cement staircase of St. Catherine’s and watches the party lighting up the parking lot across the street.

“People used to call me an ice-princess up in Maine, but you melted me,” Dottie says as she lights up her cigarette but keeps her eyes on the inflated snow couple across the street.

“You sound high,” Charlie laughs. “Maybe I’m high.” He turns and smiles at her. “It was special, some might even say magically.”

“Mmm,” Dottie answers blowing a stream of smoke into the air.

“Now bring me home woman, I’m tired!” Charlie barks out as he turns his attention away from the wedding party.

As they walk home, the warm night air clear and the moon bright above her head, Dottie stops for a moment to extinguish her cigarette on the sidewalk, smashing the tip with the heal of her shoe, and when she looks up she sees the north star is shining bright above her. Dottie leans forward, wraps her arms around Charlie’s shoulder, nuzzles against his neck and inhales his scent, grateful for her happiness on a perfect summer wedding night.